As the sun began to dwindle I got into my chores before my evening prayers. Taking a small shower, chanting the Vedic verses, and then went on to collect flowers; mainly Tulsi leaves.
It has been a custom since my retirement, in fact it was a return of my old practice which I had to leave as I moved out of my house for my graduation. Cleaning of lamps was also
done before, but is to be done by a servant, who comes in the morning, nowadays.
As I was busy picking Tulsi leaves. Standing against a well set background of sky, coloured by the gathering twilight; a Tulsi flower reminded me of my school days!
I did not want such thoughts take over me though some times I felt that they may be a great solace in my solitude. I stopped those thoughts as I had conceived an idea that they were tormenting and undue for an eighty year old.
The memory of school days coming back is, frankly speaking, misleading. I had been trying to cover up the sole person who ever found a place inside my heart in this broad term of ‘school day memories’! Almost all my school day memories were about him, or found him at every turns and corridors of memory. So I used to put a curtain on such thoughts, especially those coming at such a holy time.
Unlike all days, I could not stop my mind wandering into memories as I looked at those Tulsi flowers; or I did not want to curtail it. So my mind was flying back from my sacred ages to my lovely, lively ages….some sixty-seventy years back…
“Sudha, this came off from your hair.” I turned back and looked at the one who told me that. It was Unni, a new guy to school, holding out the Tulsi flower which I had worn. Usually no one would care for such a small thing and I took it incidental. Keeping it in my hand he told, “Keep it back, safe. It suits you!” did my heart jump a beat hearing such a rare compliment? I suppose NO. I thanked him with a smile and he left.
As usual, next day I was going round Tulsi, after pouring water to the plant. I picked up a flower from it and as I kept it on my long hair Unni came to my mind with his shining eyes full of admiration. I felt proud and stood there for a while. “SUDHA….”, mothers call to remind me of going to school. So I got ready and rushed to school. All the way to school I was trying not to think of him, but in vain. At school I was a bit upset, though I did not see Unni that day. I could not concentrate well in classes. On returning home and doing my evening prayers I was busy thinking how to control my mind. The more I thought of it the more upset I became. Finally I decided, “Avoid him, so that I don’t get distracted.” I was the only daughter of my parents and I knew they wanted me to be focused on my academics and career. So I did not want even such a ‘slight’ distraction to my mind. Further more as I was born in a noble family (so was Unni, still...) I was not supposed to get into such stupid affairs. Though I had no such feelings for Unni at that time; that also must have influenced my decision.
Next day onwards I never gave him a face. In the beginning he was unaware of my change, but as I began to neglet his smiles I found that those sweet smiles were disappearing from his face along with the shine of his eyes. He didn’t do anything wrong, but I was punishing him. This thought hurt me and I had to think again and I happily reached a decision, to be normal with him. Now I doubt if it was my heart or brain which took that decision.
Nothing special happened for a long time since then except our exchange of smiles. I must admit that I found him smiling into my heart and still could not resist that. As I thought of his smiling eyes a smile came to my mind and slowly reflected on to my face.
“Grandma, why are you smiling at Tulsi?” My grand daughters question woke me from my dreams; I fumbled at her question and had no answer. Holding my hand and leading me she added, “It’s getting dark and you are late for your prayers!” I did not answer her or comment her on her ‘big talks’ as I would have, usually. Surprised by my silence the little one asked, “what happened to you granny? You seem sad. Did daddy scold you?” I bent down and planted a kiss on her cheek and said with a smile, “No my dear Ammu, I’m ok.” She giggled and kissed me back.
While taking prayers my mind again started to wander…
It was cultural day; I was clad in a typical kerala sari like all girls. It was the first time I was wearing one. Naturally I was anxious of my looks. All my friends complimented me; in fact we all were complimenting each other! In that confidence we were walking through corridors, as I met Unni. He was with his friends, his eyes shined and smiled at me as they passed us. He didn’t seem to have any time for me. I had felt a difference in his smile. His eyes were not smiling at my heart nor were they admiring me. It was more like mocking at me and my dressing. I was a bit upset but I dismissed it as one of my wildest illusions.
Again as we came across, the same smile was there. I managed a smile on to my face and crossed him. Now this was really hurting me. I ran to a class room and my friend sheethal, who was with me, came after me calling out, “Sudha...stop!” I didn’t, I couldn’t...
I felt I was something negligible. It was a nauseating feeling and needless to say tears began to roll down my cheeks.
“What’s it Sudha? What’s wrong with you? Are you ok?” it was sheethal. I found most of my gang of friends behind her. I told, “Nothing!” but my tears were defeating me. So I had to tell them. I told them that Unni was mocking at me, or was looking at me like that. As I told them, I controlled myself and gained some ground. “Alas who is he to judge me? I am ok in this dress” I told myself. “Come let’s go” I told sheethal and dragged her. She stood up and told, “Sudha, I’ll come, but don’t drag me. I’m new to this dress, it may come off!” Both of us broke into laughter.
So we again started to walk slowly. But my mind was shivering. I felt disgraced, lonely and ugly and tears were ready to break through me at a short notice; however I placed my mind against all such negative thoughts. In front of the prayer room Unni came in front of me, blocking my way. He came close to me with his smile and my heart was weeping. I stood there, silent. He asked sheethal if she had any problem in leaving me, so that he can talk to me in private. She looked at me, for some clue. I was silent but my eyes were yelling, “Don’t leave me alone!” But she read it wrong and left. It was like me and Unni left alone; though there were many groups of girls and boys in the corridor, as each group kept a distance from others.
Unni looked at me and told, “It seems you think that I am mocking at you.” I was shocked! Who could have told it? Sheethal? No, she was with me all this time. Must be Parvathi only. She was there with me and is also close to Unni as she is to me. He must have read my thoughts to tell, “Parvathi told me, but you picked me up wrong. I was smiling to show you that I have noticed you and also to greet you. It’s customary in our place and I think here too. I didn’t make fun of you and all ok?” surprisingly I didn’t feel relieved by those words. Did I expect something more? To this day I don’t know for sure. But what followed changed my life forever.
He came a step closer to me and told in a hushed, but clear voice, “In fact among all these girls I feel that you look best in this kerala sari!” My heart was thundering and my face was illuminated with endless glee as I looked up to him. His eyes got fixed on mine and now I felt as if I was melting down in some feeling that was unknown to me till that day and would never ever come again with any other person. He continued, “You may not be the most beautiful girl I ever saw. But all I wanted in my life was grace and you are the most gracious of all girls I have ever seen...” with a gentle pause he added, “And I don’t expect to find another and I don’t want to…” he changed his eyes from me and looked at the garden, other groups of boys and girls and came back to me with a shine in them,
“I …
“Mom, isn’t it over? Come lets have food.” It was my daughter-in-law. She and my son must be tired after the long days work. Both of them are doctors and I always felt proud of them.
I came out of the prayer room and sat for dinner, nearby Ammu. She was chatting lively. My mind was not fixed and I didn’t feel like eating. My son had found it out and he asked, “Mom, do you have cold or anything like that? You seem to be tired.” I told I was ok, but it didn’t please him. He came near me, felt my pulse, put his hand over my fore head and then told his wife to bring some medicine. I told I’ll be ok after a sleep and there was no need of any medicine as I had no disease. How can I tell them of my problem?!
I walked back to my room. Ammu came to sleep with me and I sang some songs for her to sleep. I found her asleep in a short time, may be she also felt that I was not well and must have rest. I tried for sleep by counting those sheep’s which jumped the fence...
I was again thinking of Unni.
“I wanna tell you something more. You seem perfect but you lack something. You seem to be incomplete without it!” Unni was telling with his shining eyes smiling at me. I got choked! What he was telling? Was he fooling me or playing some game with me?
He slowly showed me his folded hands. He had something in between his folded fingers. He gently unfolded them and told, “You are incomplete without this!” As I looked at it my heart grew fonder. It was a Tulsi flower, or was it his heart?..
As I placed it in my hair he told, “I wanna ask you something…” I raised my head and looked at him in question. But he told, “Not now, may be some time later…” and he left with a smile. I knew what he was up to and he knew what my eyes had told. Still he decided to wait!
Sleep finally came to me bringing along Unni, as a dream. I was the same seventeen year old, wearing a kerala sari, Tulsi flower and we were looking at each other, melting into each others eyes….
Next day morning little Ammu woke up and found that her grandma who used to wake her up was sleeping. She felt a little happy in it as she has finally defeated her granny by waking earlier. Now it was her turn to wake granny up. But all her efforts to wake granny went in vain and she called for her parents, crying. She was feeling something bad. Her parents came rushing. As her father examined granny she was weeping against her mother’s shoulder, who was trying to console her by gentle pats.
Ammu’s father checked his mothers pulse; though the doctor in him told that there was no need to do so on such a cold body. Tears filled his eyes as he held her hands in his. In between her folded fingers he found something, “A Tulsi flower!”
************************************************************************************
Next day News papers carried Sudha’s photo and news of her demise.
It read,
“…………………She is wife of late Dr.Sidhartha Menon (Unni doctor). She is survived by…………….”
