Rasia had not expected such a big, successful mall in her city, within the three year period she was not there. Had it been earlier it would have been a nice hang out with those friends back in college, she thought as she looked on the jovial groups of teenagers who moved in and out of the mall.
“Parking is a bit tough in here!” Nawaz said to her, as he came near Rasia. Seeing the element of wonder in her wide, beautiful eyes; looking at the mall he asked, “Still you can’t believe that there is a mall here? Come on lets move in or it will get late! You can wonder of the changes, a little later” he added jovially.
Rasia shook her head and putting on a little smile on to her face she offered to carry little Saila, there daughter. Saila with her attachment firmly placed to her father, shoved away Rasia’s hands. Forging an angry face Rasia told her, “Now never come to me again! You live with your papa!” with her thumb kept in mouth Saila seemed to be perplexed by her mother’s change of tone.
A little reluctantly she raised her hands towards Rasia as a gesture of approval to be carried by her mother. Rasia could not stick to her act, seeing the confused face of her daughter and she broke in to laughter. With a smile, Nawaz too pacified Saila, “she wont leave us my dear, don’t be so upset. It’s all your mammas tricks” and placed a kiss on her cheeks to cheer her up as they walked in to the mall.
Nawaz had married Rasia three years back and they were abroad since then. This was there first visit to Rasia’s home town since their marriage. Not to be amused as Rasia’s parents were settled abroad and she had done only her final stages of schooling and college life in India, staying with her maternal grandma. As there only link here, grandma, had passed away even before Rasia’s marriage there was no point in regularly visiting homeland especially when Nawaz too had his family, all settled abroad.
They took the elevator to the second floor, for the food court. As they settled down after ordering Saila got off her chair and ran towards the glass separation, aptly placed in a way to take a view of the rest of the mall. Rasia too had to follow her and slowly convinced her to return.
Saila was never a troublesome or stubborn child. She was rather easy to manage and well mannered, but for being a little emotional; most say, more like her mom. As Rasia bend down to take Saila up in her hands, she glanced through the panes of the mall. A floor down, she saw someone familiar going into the super market.
Despite the distance, the crowd and just a short glimpse and changes in that man since the last time they had met, she didn’t even take the fraction of a second to identify her college mate, Aditya! Rasia pulled up Saila and walked back to the table. The curiosity and interest on the mall were all lost to Rasia now but she could not show it. So she joined in the talks of Nawaz and Saila with silent nods and smiles. They had planned to go to supermarket after the food. Now a part of Rasia’s mind revolted to that idea; but the other part, to her amazement still cheered the chance of seeing Aditya again! But she was married and a mother now; it was too odd to think of meeting such a special one of the past in those shoes.
The odds were all against even six years back, when they first met in college. She belonged to a Muslim family- though not so orthodox and had much liberal views on education and dressing of women folk, when compared to others- an affair with some one of a different religion was nothing less than “unthinkable!!”
Aditya belonged to a Hindu Orthodox family and with his conservative backgrounds, not even Aditya would have ever expected himself to be in love with a Muslim girl.
But little did they knew that time that the power of love reigns supreme over all odds and was so omnipotent to belittle even the greatest disparities! And slowly, silently the two fell for each other, even without ever telling that they loved each other!! They couldn’t talk of it as they were deep in the grips of love, even before they realized what was happening and once they knew of it, it was so late to confess love and start all over again. The feeling of being in love was so overwhelming, but they had their own reason intact to keep it down as a strict secret with just a few of the very close friends. They had only very limited time to speak and spend together; but it never came in between their love.
Rasia still remembers how it all started off in the real sense. They were quite strangers till then, except for the glances of appreciation, which she pretended not to understand, until that English lecture class happened. Professor was so strict that none dared to even look around, forget talking!
Rasia had came a little late for the class that day, just as all others settled into their seats. Being late was attributed to her wearing a necklace from grandma’s collection, as the old lady insisted upon it. She herself had found something special about her that day in the mirror, making her a little late for class.
As she entered the class, she noticed Aditya’s eyes blooming of sheer happiness in appreciation of her looks. She couldn’t stop a hearty smile from appearing on her lips today, as she walked to her seat and Aditya too responded with a smile. As she took her seat, she again had a glance towards Aditya, to find him still glued on to her. She felt so happy and blushed as she opened the notes.
Seeing her rosy cheeks redden, Aditya got more glued on to her forgetting the world around him.
“Aditya!!” that roar was enough to shock away the unseen bond of attraction that had occurred between these two. Professor had noted Aditya for some time, and now he was furious, “get out and never again enter my class”
“Sir, I didn’t do anything…” Aditya tried to put up a weak defense as he felt insulted to be sent out of the class in such a way. Professor tried to pull him out of the class, but seeing the resistance he asked,” you didn’t do anything?? I’ll have to tell what you were doing in my class to all or you go out now”
Rasia was shocked to hear this as, if professor was to open his moth on that, it would surely bring about a rumor which could possibly bring an abrupt end to her free life or even worse; end of studies. Rasia was in tears as she bent down and sneaked at Aditya with tear filled eyes. The whole class had its eyes fixed on him. As he saw the tear filled eyes, Aditya gave up his resistance and walked out of the class, much to Rasia’s relief.
But as he walked out of the class, he had also walked into Rasia’s heart even without he knowledge; may be, but surely without any resistance.
In the first few months Rasia had tried so much to pull out such thoughts out of her mind as she never found a chance of it to become fruitful in the end. But emotions slowly did away every rationale she had against and masked every odd they had in their love story. The friends who knew of this almost silent affair, began to believe that love was destinies choice , on seeing that the Aditya-Rasia relation continued despite being not spoken of love, nor spending long hours together.
After the demise of her grandma, in her final year, Rasia’s parents had come back and they decided to stay back till her course was over; at least her mom to be there always. The marriage proposal from Nawaz’s parents came all of a sudden and was about to be fixed as they had planned to marry her off, soon after exams.
That day, as Rasia was getting ready to go for college day her mother told her that they had almost finalized her marriage and explained of Nawaz to her. Every joy felt by her ceased and her eyes were filled with drops of sorrow. When her mother told her to think of it and to look through the photos and other details once she came back from college, Rasia silently nodded. Hiding her face from her parents she some how started off to college.
In the solitude below the stairs of zoology lab, as she told of the new development to Aditya; all her feelings erupted out and she began to weep. Aditya was visibly shaken, but still he told, “Rasia, did you ever think that we could ever get married? I always tried not to think of it since the day I felt you in my heart, but as a fact I always knew the chance was so….” He stopped in despair. She too nodded and said, “If I say I don’t want to be married to this guy or another, my parents will agree. But if I tell of you, I know it will never be entertained...” the thought itself sent chills through her spine.
Aditya told,” if we want, we can wait till I get a job and then break away all our family barriers and get a life together & even if it happens, we will be left fighting two big religions, alone, stranded...”
“… and imagine the plight of our parents, my brother, your sister and all…” Rasia added, “To make our love triumph, we have to wound and possibly destroy every life who loved us…” she again broke into a silent cry.
“Our love will remain deep within us no matter what happens...” Aditya comforted her as he slowly wiped away her tears. The music from the college day music fest played background to his words, “triumphing in love is not getting married, but being eternally bound by love, above distance, words and relations…” he moved closer to her and looked deep into her eyes filled with tears and added at a breathing distance in a shivering voice filled with grief, “our love is destined to last forever, not to end in marriage, but to remain deeply in love forever, remembering each other till the last beat of our hearts.. Even if we may never see again!!” she closed her eyes as his voice became fainter and nearer…
“What you are dreaming? Look what Saila is doing!” Nawaz’s voice with an element of anger broke her thoughts and he rushed to Saila. They were in supermarket counter and Saila was pulling things out of someone’s cart. Rasia ran and took Saila up and apologized to the lady near, as she put back things into her cart, “I am sorry. She is a bit naughty nowadays... I didn’t see her came to you…”
“It’s ok!! Don’t scold her, she is a lovely kid!” Aditya, who was standing to the next shelf, which had hid him so far from rasia, helping his wife, As he came to them, he asked, “what is your name little one?”
Saila didn’t say anything. She turned her face away and Aditya’s eyes met Rasia’s. “Saila; that’s her name”, she told and walked back to Nawaz who had paid in counter by now. As she walked, overriding the strong temptations to look back or to talk to Aditya for a while. Saila told, “That uncle is still looking at me papa!”
Rasia feared that if she turned back to look at him again she would loose all other love and life and she played deaf to Saila words. Nawaz took Saila and as they walked to car he told, “May be cos he thinks my Saila is so cute!!”, and giggled her.
Sitting in the car, slowly putting Saila to sleep, Rasia thought, “Aditya, will you ever know that Saila means,” The sunshine” and I will never forget Aditya-the sun of my life, till my heart beats!!??”
Saturday, August 29, 2009
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
WEEKEND
The signal turned green for the pedestrians and she rushed in with the others to make it to the road that took her to the beach. On walking she thought of the changes life had been through. Often she had felt amused by the pace at which the city altered its face, but her life had altered its course even more drastically! Though she started off her career as a small executive in a big MNC, two years back, she now boasts of one of the top positions in the firm; of which she had been so proud of. For that envious growth she had to compromise on her relations, quite a lot, for she had much less time to spend on those, which had made her devoid of any friends and barely any relations back home, except for her parents.
The busy beach had started to attract its evening guests as usual. Before it got further crowded she made herself into one of those empty seats meant for the sunset viewers. For almost the last two years, ever since she got settled in this job, she had been devoting her Friday evenings to this beach and its sunset. She got into this habit to relax her mind after the tiring, week’s long work, and to step afresh into the two holidays she had every weekend. Though the weekend now means nothing more than sleeping out to her she still visits the beach to do away the feeling of loneliness she gets at those weekends. Working days were never a problem as she had no time to think over anything other than the company, but as the holidays comes; she becomes lonely in her flat for two days with no friends or relatives. It was so tiring and boring to be all alone in there with no where to go also, so she imbibes the evening crowd at the beach into her as she goes into her flat to help her out of the lonely feeling that she often gets.
The crowd slowly increased in the beach, and with almost all benches occupied, most of them began to wander through the beach waiting to see the sun die out in the sea in front. Electric lights had begun to shine so as to sweep away the darkness before it could settle in the streets. As she looked at them, she felt as if the city was staring at her with a thousand eyes. She shifted her eyes; feeling disturbed, and looked back at the calm waters in front. Back home, her parents were trying hard to find a match for their daughter. Till now, all those attempts have ended nowhere and she still remains a single. In fact it has turned out to be a funny thing where nothing ever comes together, when status matches age wont, when age matches job wont, and when all these matches horoscopes wont! But she often feels that she tends to have some escapism when marriage proposals come through…
She still remembers how Praveen came to see her with his hazy eyes and slack hair for one last time in college. He had come after hearing about the news of her making into that company. As he shared his fear of losing her, when she moves into the city for her job she shouted at him, “So?? You want me to loose this job for you?? Let me make it clear in one word, impossible!! And know this; this job is now important for me more than anything... Anything... “
“No… I dint mean ...” As he tried to explain she interrupted saying, “enough... you are crammed with complex… Now there is nothing between us to talk about, we’ll part from here and never ever come to me again…” “But...” as he tried to explain she just walked away, not only from the scene but also from his life. Late now she used to think that it was too harsh and wild to say so much for so little then. May be as people say it was her “pride” of getting that job, made her say so, then. If Praveen was able to get at least a small job then, may be now life must have been a lot different… As that thought crept into mind to disturb her, as usual she bean to think of her great career achievements which usually smoothed her mind. But today they din’t help her to calm down.
The sun had sunk into the deep seas leaving behind the reddish tinge in the skies to remind people of its existence there, at least for a short while more. But, in life things…
The giggling of the couples sitting next to her woke her back into the world and as she looked at them in the twilight she felt disturbed. Feeling as if their smiles and hushed up talks were aimed at her, she rose from the benches and started to walk aimlessly through the beaches. The crowd was yet there, made further busy with the vender's and the cops meant for safety.
As she looked into the waving sea, her eyes stuck upon a familiar figure walking into the waters. As water kissed his feet he turned back and looked at the crowd as if looking for someone. Despite the faint light and changes in these years she could make out that person as her Praveen!
“One day, if it becomes sure to me that you’ll never be mine, I will walk into the deep seas to wait for you till the next birth!” She remembered those touching words of Praveen, way back in college life. As she looked at him she saw an unknown glee brightening up his face and with that he turned back to start walking further into the sea. It all came to her mind all of a sudden and regaining her senses she ran through the people in between them to stop him.
“Praveen!!...”, the Girl clad in the light blue sari called out as she pulled him back. The sindoor in the forehead of that girl fastened up her blooming mind again as she stood there cold footed. Looking at those couples playing around and walking away she wished, “If there were no weekends!!”
The busy beach had started to attract its evening guests as usual. Before it got further crowded she made herself into one of those empty seats meant for the sunset viewers. For almost the last two years, ever since she got settled in this job, she had been devoting her Friday evenings to this beach and its sunset. She got into this habit to relax her mind after the tiring, week’s long work, and to step afresh into the two holidays she had every weekend. Though the weekend now means nothing more than sleeping out to her she still visits the beach to do away the feeling of loneliness she gets at those weekends. Working days were never a problem as she had no time to think over anything other than the company, but as the holidays comes; she becomes lonely in her flat for two days with no friends or relatives. It was so tiring and boring to be all alone in there with no where to go also, so she imbibes the evening crowd at the beach into her as she goes into her flat to help her out of the lonely feeling that she often gets.
The crowd slowly increased in the beach, and with almost all benches occupied, most of them began to wander through the beach waiting to see the sun die out in the sea in front. Electric lights had begun to shine so as to sweep away the darkness before it could settle in the streets. As she looked at them, she felt as if the city was staring at her with a thousand eyes. She shifted her eyes; feeling disturbed, and looked back at the calm waters in front. Back home, her parents were trying hard to find a match for their daughter. Till now, all those attempts have ended nowhere and she still remains a single. In fact it has turned out to be a funny thing where nothing ever comes together, when status matches age wont, when age matches job wont, and when all these matches horoscopes wont! But she often feels that she tends to have some escapism when marriage proposals come through…
She still remembers how Praveen came to see her with his hazy eyes and slack hair for one last time in college. He had come after hearing about the news of her making into that company. As he shared his fear of losing her, when she moves into the city for her job she shouted at him, “So?? You want me to loose this job for you?? Let me make it clear in one word, impossible!! And know this; this job is now important for me more than anything... Anything... “
“No… I dint mean ...” As he tried to explain she interrupted saying, “enough... you are crammed with complex… Now there is nothing between us to talk about, we’ll part from here and never ever come to me again…” “But...” as he tried to explain she just walked away, not only from the scene but also from his life. Late now she used to think that it was too harsh and wild to say so much for so little then. May be as people say it was her “pride” of getting that job, made her say so, then. If Praveen was able to get at least a small job then, may be now life must have been a lot different… As that thought crept into mind to disturb her, as usual she bean to think of her great career achievements which usually smoothed her mind. But today they din’t help her to calm down.
The sun had sunk into the deep seas leaving behind the reddish tinge in the skies to remind people of its existence there, at least for a short while more. But, in life things…
The giggling of the couples sitting next to her woke her back into the world and as she looked at them in the twilight she felt disturbed. Feeling as if their smiles and hushed up talks were aimed at her, she rose from the benches and started to walk aimlessly through the beaches. The crowd was yet there, made further busy with the vender's and the cops meant for safety.
As she looked into the waving sea, her eyes stuck upon a familiar figure walking into the waters. As water kissed his feet he turned back and looked at the crowd as if looking for someone. Despite the faint light and changes in these years she could make out that person as her Praveen!
“One day, if it becomes sure to me that you’ll never be mine, I will walk into the deep seas to wait for you till the next birth!” She remembered those touching words of Praveen, way back in college life. As she looked at him she saw an unknown glee brightening up his face and with that he turned back to start walking further into the sea. It all came to her mind all of a sudden and regaining her senses she ran through the people in between them to stop him.
“Praveen!!...”, the Girl clad in the light blue sari called out as she pulled him back. The sindoor in the forehead of that girl fastened up her blooming mind again as she stood there cold footed. Looking at those couples playing around and walking away she wished, “If there were no weekends!!”
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
TULSI
As the sun began to dwindle I got into my chores before my evening prayers. Taking a small shower, chanting the Vedic verses, and then went on to collect flowers; mainly Tulsi leaves.
It has been a custom since my retirement, in fact it was a return of my old practice which I had to leave as I moved out of my house for my graduation. Cleaning of lamps was also
done before, but is to be done by a servant, who comes in the morning, nowadays.
As I was busy picking Tulsi leaves. Standing against a well set background of sky, coloured by the gathering twilight; a Tulsi flower reminded me of my school days!
I did not want such thoughts take over me though some times I felt that they may be a great solace in my solitude. I stopped those thoughts as I had conceived an idea that they were tormenting and undue for an eighty year old.
The memory of school days coming back is, frankly speaking, misleading. I had been trying to cover up the sole person who ever found a place inside my heart in this broad term of ‘school day memories’! Almost all my school day memories were about him, or found him at every turns and corridors of memory. So I used to put a curtain on such thoughts, especially those coming at such a holy time.
Unlike all days, I could not stop my mind wandering into memories as I looked at those Tulsi flowers; or I did not want to curtail it. So my mind was flying back from my sacred ages to my lovely, lively ages….some sixty-seventy years back…
“Sudha, this came off from your hair.” I turned back and looked at the one who told me that. It was Unni, a new guy to school, holding out the Tulsi flower which I had worn. Usually no one would care for such a small thing and I took it incidental. Keeping it in my hand he told, “Keep it back, safe. It suits you!” did my heart jump a beat hearing such a rare compliment? I suppose NO. I thanked him with a smile and he left.
As usual, next day I was going round Tulsi, after pouring water to the plant. I picked up a flower from it and as I kept it on my long hair Unni came to my mind with his shining eyes full of admiration. I felt proud and stood there for a while. “SUDHA….”, mothers call to remind me of going to school. So I got ready and rushed to school. All the way to school I was trying not to think of him, but in vain. At school I was a bit upset, though I did not see Unni that day. I could not concentrate well in classes. On returning home and doing my evening prayers I was busy thinking how to control my mind. The more I thought of it the more upset I became. Finally I decided, “Avoid him, so that I don’t get distracted.” I was the only daughter of my parents and I knew they wanted me to be focused on my academics and career. So I did not want even such a ‘slight’ distraction to my mind. Further more as I was born in a noble family (so was Unni, still...) I was not supposed to get into such stupid affairs. Though I had no such feelings for Unni at that time; that also must have influenced my decision.
Next day onwards I never gave him a face. In the beginning he was unaware of my change, but as I began to neglet his smiles I found that those sweet smiles were disappearing from his face along with the shine of his eyes. He didn’t do anything wrong, but I was punishing him. This thought hurt me and I had to think again and I happily reached a decision, to be normal with him. Now I doubt if it was my heart or brain which took that decision.
Nothing special happened for a long time since then except our exchange of smiles. I must admit that I found him smiling into my heart and still could not resist that. As I thought of his smiling eyes a smile came to my mind and slowly reflected on to my face.
“Grandma, why are you smiling at Tulsi?” My grand daughters question woke me from my dreams; I fumbled at her question and had no answer. Holding my hand and leading me she added, “It’s getting dark and you are late for your prayers!” I did not answer her or comment her on her ‘big talks’ as I would have, usually. Surprised by my silence the little one asked, “what happened to you granny? You seem sad. Did daddy scold you?” I bent down and planted a kiss on her cheek and said with a smile, “No my dear Ammu, I’m ok.” She giggled and kissed me back.
While taking prayers my mind again started to wander…
It was cultural day; I was clad in a typical kerala sari like all girls. It was the first time I was wearing one. Naturally I was anxious of my looks. All my friends complimented me; in fact we all were complimenting each other! In that confidence we were walking through corridors, as I met Unni. He was with his friends, his eyes shined and smiled at me as they passed us. He didn’t seem to have any time for me. I had felt a difference in his smile. His eyes were not smiling at my heart nor were they admiring me. It was more like mocking at me and my dressing. I was a bit upset but I dismissed it as one of my wildest illusions.
Again as we came across, the same smile was there. I managed a smile on to my face and crossed him. Now this was really hurting me. I ran to a class room and my friend sheethal, who was with me, came after me calling out, “Sudha...stop!” I didn’t, I couldn’t...
I felt I was something negligible. It was a nauseating feeling and needless to say tears began to roll down my cheeks.
“What’s it Sudha? What’s wrong with you? Are you ok?” it was sheethal. I found most of my gang of friends behind her. I told, “Nothing!” but my tears were defeating me. So I had to tell them. I told them that Unni was mocking at me, or was looking at me like that. As I told them, I controlled myself and gained some ground. “Alas who is he to judge me? I am ok in this dress” I told myself. “Come let’s go” I told sheethal and dragged her. She stood up and told, “Sudha, I’ll come, but don’t drag me. I’m new to this dress, it may come off!” Both of us broke into laughter.
So we again started to walk slowly. But my mind was shivering. I felt disgraced, lonely and ugly and tears were ready to break through me at a short notice; however I placed my mind against all such negative thoughts. In front of the prayer room Unni came in front of me, blocking my way. He came close to me with his smile and my heart was weeping. I stood there, silent. He asked sheethal if she had any problem in leaving me, so that he can talk to me in private. She looked at me, for some clue. I was silent but my eyes were yelling, “Don’t leave me alone!” But she read it wrong and left. It was like me and Unni left alone; though there were many groups of girls and boys in the corridor, as each group kept a distance from others.
Unni looked at me and told, “It seems you think that I am mocking at you.” I was shocked! Who could have told it? Sheethal? No, she was with me all this time. Must be Parvathi only. She was there with me and is also close to Unni as she is to me. He must have read my thoughts to tell, “Parvathi told me, but you picked me up wrong. I was smiling to show you that I have noticed you and also to greet you. It’s customary in our place and I think here too. I didn’t make fun of you and all ok?” surprisingly I didn’t feel relieved by those words. Did I expect something more? To this day I don’t know for sure. But what followed changed my life forever.
He came a step closer to me and told in a hushed, but clear voice, “In fact among all these girls I feel that you look best in this kerala sari!” My heart was thundering and my face was illuminated with endless glee as I looked up to him. His eyes got fixed on mine and now I felt as if I was melting down in some feeling that was unknown to me till that day and would never ever come again with any other person. He continued, “You may not be the most beautiful girl I ever saw. But all I wanted in my life was grace and you are the most gracious of all girls I have ever seen...” with a gentle pause he added, “And I don’t expect to find another and I don’t want to…” he changed his eyes from me and looked at the garden, other groups of boys and girls and came back to me with a shine in them,
“I …
“Mom, isn’t it over? Come lets have food.” It was my daughter-in-law. She and my son must be tired after the long days work. Both of them are doctors and I always felt proud of them.
I came out of the prayer room and sat for dinner, nearby Ammu. She was chatting lively. My mind was not fixed and I didn’t feel like eating. My son had found it out and he asked, “Mom, do you have cold or anything like that? You seem to be tired.” I told I was ok, but it didn’t please him. He came near me, felt my pulse, put his hand over my fore head and then told his wife to bring some medicine. I told I’ll be ok after a sleep and there was no need of any medicine as I had no disease. How can I tell them of my problem?!
I walked back to my room. Ammu came to sleep with me and I sang some songs for her to sleep. I found her asleep in a short time, may be she also felt that I was not well and must have rest. I tried for sleep by counting those sheep’s which jumped the fence...
I was again thinking of Unni.
“I wanna tell you something more. You seem perfect but you lack something. You seem to be incomplete without it!” Unni was telling with his shining eyes smiling at me. I got choked! What he was telling? Was he fooling me or playing some game with me?
He slowly showed me his folded hands. He had something in between his folded fingers. He gently unfolded them and told, “You are incomplete without this!” As I looked at it my heart grew fonder. It was a Tulsi flower, or was it his heart?..
As I placed it in my hair he told, “I wanna ask you something…” I raised my head and looked at him in question. But he told, “Not now, may be some time later…” and he left with a smile. I knew what he was up to and he knew what my eyes had told. Still he decided to wait!
Sleep finally came to me bringing along Unni, as a dream. I was the same seventeen year old, wearing a kerala sari, Tulsi flower and we were looking at each other, melting into each others eyes….
Next day morning little Ammu woke up and found that her grandma who used to wake her up was sleeping. She felt a little happy in it as she has finally defeated her granny by waking earlier. Now it was her turn to wake granny up. But all her efforts to wake granny went in vain and she called for her parents, crying. She was feeling something bad. Her parents came rushing. As her father examined granny she was weeping against her mother’s shoulder, who was trying to console her by gentle pats.
Ammu’s father checked his mothers pulse; though the doctor in him told that there was no need to do so on such a cold body. Tears filled his eyes as he held her hands in his. In between her folded fingers he found something, “A Tulsi flower!”
************************************************************************************
Next day News papers carried Sudha’s photo and news of her demise.
It read,
“…………………She is wife of late Dr.Sidhartha Menon (Unni doctor). She is survived by…………….”
It has been a custom since my retirement, in fact it was a return of my old practice which I had to leave as I moved out of my house for my graduation. Cleaning of lamps was also
done before, but is to be done by a servant, who comes in the morning, nowadays.
As I was busy picking Tulsi leaves. Standing against a well set background of sky, coloured by the gathering twilight; a Tulsi flower reminded me of my school days!
I did not want such thoughts take over me though some times I felt that they may be a great solace in my solitude. I stopped those thoughts as I had conceived an idea that they were tormenting and undue for an eighty year old.
The memory of school days coming back is, frankly speaking, misleading. I had been trying to cover up the sole person who ever found a place inside my heart in this broad term of ‘school day memories’! Almost all my school day memories were about him, or found him at every turns and corridors of memory. So I used to put a curtain on such thoughts, especially those coming at such a holy time.
Unlike all days, I could not stop my mind wandering into memories as I looked at those Tulsi flowers; or I did not want to curtail it. So my mind was flying back from my sacred ages to my lovely, lively ages….some sixty-seventy years back…
“Sudha, this came off from your hair.” I turned back and looked at the one who told me that. It was Unni, a new guy to school, holding out the Tulsi flower which I had worn. Usually no one would care for such a small thing and I took it incidental. Keeping it in my hand he told, “Keep it back, safe. It suits you!” did my heart jump a beat hearing such a rare compliment? I suppose NO. I thanked him with a smile and he left.
As usual, next day I was going round Tulsi, after pouring water to the plant. I picked up a flower from it and as I kept it on my long hair Unni came to my mind with his shining eyes full of admiration. I felt proud and stood there for a while. “SUDHA….”, mothers call to remind me of going to school. So I got ready and rushed to school. All the way to school I was trying not to think of him, but in vain. At school I was a bit upset, though I did not see Unni that day. I could not concentrate well in classes. On returning home and doing my evening prayers I was busy thinking how to control my mind. The more I thought of it the more upset I became. Finally I decided, “Avoid him, so that I don’t get distracted.” I was the only daughter of my parents and I knew they wanted me to be focused on my academics and career. So I did not want even such a ‘slight’ distraction to my mind. Further more as I was born in a noble family (so was Unni, still...) I was not supposed to get into such stupid affairs. Though I had no such feelings for Unni at that time; that also must have influenced my decision.
Next day onwards I never gave him a face. In the beginning he was unaware of my change, but as I began to neglet his smiles I found that those sweet smiles were disappearing from his face along with the shine of his eyes. He didn’t do anything wrong, but I was punishing him. This thought hurt me and I had to think again and I happily reached a decision, to be normal with him. Now I doubt if it was my heart or brain which took that decision.
Nothing special happened for a long time since then except our exchange of smiles. I must admit that I found him smiling into my heart and still could not resist that. As I thought of his smiling eyes a smile came to my mind and slowly reflected on to my face.
“Grandma, why are you smiling at Tulsi?” My grand daughters question woke me from my dreams; I fumbled at her question and had no answer. Holding my hand and leading me she added, “It’s getting dark and you are late for your prayers!” I did not answer her or comment her on her ‘big talks’ as I would have, usually. Surprised by my silence the little one asked, “what happened to you granny? You seem sad. Did daddy scold you?” I bent down and planted a kiss on her cheek and said with a smile, “No my dear Ammu, I’m ok.” She giggled and kissed me back.
While taking prayers my mind again started to wander…
It was cultural day; I was clad in a typical kerala sari like all girls. It was the first time I was wearing one. Naturally I was anxious of my looks. All my friends complimented me; in fact we all were complimenting each other! In that confidence we were walking through corridors, as I met Unni. He was with his friends, his eyes shined and smiled at me as they passed us. He didn’t seem to have any time for me. I had felt a difference in his smile. His eyes were not smiling at my heart nor were they admiring me. It was more like mocking at me and my dressing. I was a bit upset but I dismissed it as one of my wildest illusions.
Again as we came across, the same smile was there. I managed a smile on to my face and crossed him. Now this was really hurting me. I ran to a class room and my friend sheethal, who was with me, came after me calling out, “Sudha...stop!” I didn’t, I couldn’t...
I felt I was something negligible. It was a nauseating feeling and needless to say tears began to roll down my cheeks.
“What’s it Sudha? What’s wrong with you? Are you ok?” it was sheethal. I found most of my gang of friends behind her. I told, “Nothing!” but my tears were defeating me. So I had to tell them. I told them that Unni was mocking at me, or was looking at me like that. As I told them, I controlled myself and gained some ground. “Alas who is he to judge me? I am ok in this dress” I told myself. “Come let’s go” I told sheethal and dragged her. She stood up and told, “Sudha, I’ll come, but don’t drag me. I’m new to this dress, it may come off!” Both of us broke into laughter.
So we again started to walk slowly. But my mind was shivering. I felt disgraced, lonely and ugly and tears were ready to break through me at a short notice; however I placed my mind against all such negative thoughts. In front of the prayer room Unni came in front of me, blocking my way. He came close to me with his smile and my heart was weeping. I stood there, silent. He asked sheethal if she had any problem in leaving me, so that he can talk to me in private. She looked at me, for some clue. I was silent but my eyes were yelling, “Don’t leave me alone!” But she read it wrong and left. It was like me and Unni left alone; though there were many groups of girls and boys in the corridor, as each group kept a distance from others.
Unni looked at me and told, “It seems you think that I am mocking at you.” I was shocked! Who could have told it? Sheethal? No, she was with me all this time. Must be Parvathi only. She was there with me and is also close to Unni as she is to me. He must have read my thoughts to tell, “Parvathi told me, but you picked me up wrong. I was smiling to show you that I have noticed you and also to greet you. It’s customary in our place and I think here too. I didn’t make fun of you and all ok?” surprisingly I didn’t feel relieved by those words. Did I expect something more? To this day I don’t know for sure. But what followed changed my life forever.
He came a step closer to me and told in a hushed, but clear voice, “In fact among all these girls I feel that you look best in this kerala sari!” My heart was thundering and my face was illuminated with endless glee as I looked up to him. His eyes got fixed on mine and now I felt as if I was melting down in some feeling that was unknown to me till that day and would never ever come again with any other person. He continued, “You may not be the most beautiful girl I ever saw. But all I wanted in my life was grace and you are the most gracious of all girls I have ever seen...” with a gentle pause he added, “And I don’t expect to find another and I don’t want to…” he changed his eyes from me and looked at the garden, other groups of boys and girls and came back to me with a shine in them,
“I …
“Mom, isn’t it over? Come lets have food.” It was my daughter-in-law. She and my son must be tired after the long days work. Both of them are doctors and I always felt proud of them.
I came out of the prayer room and sat for dinner, nearby Ammu. She was chatting lively. My mind was not fixed and I didn’t feel like eating. My son had found it out and he asked, “Mom, do you have cold or anything like that? You seem to be tired.” I told I was ok, but it didn’t please him. He came near me, felt my pulse, put his hand over my fore head and then told his wife to bring some medicine. I told I’ll be ok after a sleep and there was no need of any medicine as I had no disease. How can I tell them of my problem?!
I walked back to my room. Ammu came to sleep with me and I sang some songs for her to sleep. I found her asleep in a short time, may be she also felt that I was not well and must have rest. I tried for sleep by counting those sheep’s which jumped the fence...
I was again thinking of Unni.
“I wanna tell you something more. You seem perfect but you lack something. You seem to be incomplete without it!” Unni was telling with his shining eyes smiling at me. I got choked! What he was telling? Was he fooling me or playing some game with me?
He slowly showed me his folded hands. He had something in between his folded fingers. He gently unfolded them and told, “You are incomplete without this!” As I looked at it my heart grew fonder. It was a Tulsi flower, or was it his heart?..
As I placed it in my hair he told, “I wanna ask you something…” I raised my head and looked at him in question. But he told, “Not now, may be some time later…” and he left with a smile. I knew what he was up to and he knew what my eyes had told. Still he decided to wait!
Sleep finally came to me bringing along Unni, as a dream. I was the same seventeen year old, wearing a kerala sari, Tulsi flower and we were looking at each other, melting into each others eyes….
Next day morning little Ammu woke up and found that her grandma who used to wake her up was sleeping. She felt a little happy in it as she has finally defeated her granny by waking earlier. Now it was her turn to wake granny up. But all her efforts to wake granny went in vain and she called for her parents, crying. She was feeling something bad. Her parents came rushing. As her father examined granny she was weeping against her mother’s shoulder, who was trying to console her by gentle pats.
Ammu’s father checked his mothers pulse; though the doctor in him told that there was no need to do so on such a cold body. Tears filled his eyes as he held her hands in his. In between her folded fingers he found something, “A Tulsi flower!”
************************************************************************************
Next day News papers carried Sudha’s photo and news of her demise.
It read,
“…………………She is wife of late Dr.Sidhartha Menon (Unni doctor). She is survived by…………….”
Monday, November 5, 2007
SMS
“-And you say that a man cannot,of himself,understand what is good and evil; that it is all environment,that the environment swamps the man. But I believe it is all chance.” - Ivan Vasilievich*
Had I not met Madhav in my train journey from Trivandrum.I might have thought it all as Ivan’s silly urge to think against the normal course. In the ten odd hour journey to my place on a day,when sleep chose to keep away from me, I had met him. Only in the last few hours of my journey we spoke, but was enough to make me see something differently;nothing but our small SMS’s- the Short Messaging Service, as they say.
We started on that talk as I got a message in between, and read to say, “Silly forwards…” I may have told it as monologue but was fairly loud enough so as to engage him in some talk for some time,at least. I had no one else near me to turn for a talk,quite unlikely for that day express. He was a bit too reclusive and monosyllabic till then. But my words on SMS made him to shed his gown of silence, alas!
“Not always!”,saying this he showed me a SMS from his phone and asked, “What you think of this?”
“Care is the sweetest form of Love…..”
It was familiar and I answered, “A forwarded message, even I do have it. Just for namesake or for keeping a friendship breathe”
“That’s all you think of it? Anything else? Temme what all can be?”, he insisted as he took back the phone.
“Hm…I din’t notice the sender, is it a girl?.” He thought for a second and told with a smile, “Yes,of course! But don’t ask me who.”
“So it can also be about any other relation like love,in a wild thought, I must say. That’s all I can think of.”
“Well it is like some god send nectar to me, and I cant tell you what it means to me in words but I’m sure you can feel it once you hear my story,” Madhav told with a peculiar note and stress, “And little does it matter to my feeling to it that the sender is a girl! Hear my story and you will know!”
“ Myself, Madhav, a student at Trivandrum:to make it crisp, I do have to face a whole lot of some serious trouble in my life,as for now; none of which I have shared with anyone nor am I going to. So you must not ask me on what they are, but understand them as the cause of my greatest griefs so far,in my twenty year of life in memory.”
I just nodded and taking it as my consent he continued with a long breath, “Yesterday morning I was in a net cafe. I had so much problems staring at me so that I needed to divert my attention from them to save myself from a break down; say I had to run away from them,some how. I found chatting to be a good way of distraction, so I searched in chat rooms for some time till I settled with a girl with her nick name, ‘Black Rose’, from the same town.”
“Here it is! The saga of an Internet-love, successful or failed or even fooled”, I thought.
“We chatted for a long time. I must say you that she understood me better than even myself. So I thought that she may have the solution to all my problems and later I saw her as the solution!” He paused for a while, removed his spects,wiped his face and continued with a faint tinge of grief in his words, “ I wanted to meet her. She told me that time was not ripe and then again,as I forced she even told me that she was not so good looking, as some would even try to run away seeing her!
But I took it on with another question, “but not all will try to run away from you,right?”.
“Right , some do come really close,making me feel that I am indeed not so bad.” She had to admit. That increased my persistence on her and finally we decided to meet at the railway station,that evening.”
I gave a hand to my chin and leaned forward to him. The story was getting interesting, “And then?” I enquired, forgetting that we had started off the talk from a SMS.
“Then we met at the station. Trust me, at that time I felt that she was the most beautiful thing that would ever come to me. With a black veil on her head, a snow whit face and deep dark eyes,she seemed to be there just for my solace. We sat on the bench as the announcements broke open for the expected arrival of a train. Not many were around us and neither did we care for any.
I took her hand and held it to my heart to say, “The grief in my heart and the problems around me seem to vanish in your presence; I feel the ecstasy of being in a new world full of promises.”
“Do you love me?”,she asked and in return I came closer to her, lifted her face and bent down to kiss her deep with all my passion. I do say that it was to be more of my lust towards her physique than the love to her real self that prompted me to take those first steps into a complete union with her. .
Then my phone rang me up for this message and I left her for that moment. The train had arrived and passengers were busy getting down. I winked at her and told, “I’ll be back now” and stood up and took a few steps as I read the message which came as a scruple.
“Care is the sweetest form of LOVE and whn someone tells “I care for U”,it is as good as saying “I’ll keep U in my heart, forever” I CARE FOR U! Tc”
That brought in a new light to make me think above the problems that surrounded me and the ones who hated me, to see the ones who loved me, cared for me and would miss me. I felt sorry for my eloping thoughts as I thought of the ‘black rose’ waiting for me. But I didn’t turn back to her nor will I get back to her as I had promised, until as she said, “the time is ripe!” And I’ll never spill a tear on that lost chance with her.” He stopped.
This story was giving me enough to strain my brain and sense. A whole new world of thoughts; it was difficult to understand him,but I was trying to break through. My station was approaching. I walked to the door and he followed me with a question, “Now what do you think of that SMS? Any idea what it means to me?” I just nodded as I thought.
I got down and he helped me with my luggage. He told, “Now don’t get too much carried away by it, may be you wont understand full of my story as it is,for now and nor you wont be knowing why I am going to meet that message sender now…But slowly, you will get to it!”
It was my turn to give him something,a surprise,as I told, “Don’t ever think of kissing that ugly black rose again and I hope you’ll neither go and kiss that girl who messaged you, for she may not know all that you mean by your kiss!”
He was quite surprised but happy and he laughed to say adieu to me as the train moved on. I waved at him till I could no longer see his waving hands.
Just as I turned a message came to my phone. With a smile I thought,
“Now I know of yet another meaning to an SMS; But do you?!!”
*Ivan Vasilievich is a character from Tolstoy's After the Dance
Had I not met Madhav in my train journey from Trivandrum.I might have thought it all as Ivan’s silly urge to think against the normal course. In the ten odd hour journey to my place on a day,when sleep chose to keep away from me, I had met him. Only in the last few hours of my journey we spoke, but was enough to make me see something differently;nothing but our small SMS’s- the Short Messaging Service, as they say.
We started on that talk as I got a message in between, and read to say, “Silly forwards…” I may have told it as monologue but was fairly loud enough so as to engage him in some talk for some time,at least. I had no one else near me to turn for a talk,quite unlikely for that day express. He was a bit too reclusive and monosyllabic till then. But my words on SMS made him to shed his gown of silence, alas!
“Not always!”,saying this he showed me a SMS from his phone and asked, “What you think of this?”
“Care is the sweetest form of Love…..”
It was familiar and I answered, “A forwarded message, even I do have it. Just for namesake or for keeping a friendship breathe”
“That’s all you think of it? Anything else? Temme what all can be?”, he insisted as he took back the phone.
“Hm…I din’t notice the sender, is it a girl?.” He thought for a second and told with a smile, “Yes,of course! But don’t ask me who.”
“So it can also be about any other relation like love,in a wild thought, I must say. That’s all I can think of.”
“Well it is like some god send nectar to me, and I cant tell you what it means to me in words but I’m sure you can feel it once you hear my story,” Madhav told with a peculiar note and stress, “And little does it matter to my feeling to it that the sender is a girl! Hear my story and you will know!”
“ Myself, Madhav, a student at Trivandrum:to make it crisp, I do have to face a whole lot of some serious trouble in my life,as for now; none of which I have shared with anyone nor am I going to. So you must not ask me on what they are, but understand them as the cause of my greatest griefs so far,in my twenty year of life in memory.”
I just nodded and taking it as my consent he continued with a long breath, “Yesterday morning I was in a net cafe. I had so much problems staring at me so that I needed to divert my attention from them to save myself from a break down; say I had to run away from them,some how. I found chatting to be a good way of distraction, so I searched in chat rooms for some time till I settled with a girl with her nick name, ‘Black Rose’, from the same town.”
“Here it is! The saga of an Internet-love, successful or failed or even fooled”, I thought.
“We chatted for a long time. I must say you that she understood me better than even myself. So I thought that she may have the solution to all my problems and later I saw her as the solution!” He paused for a while, removed his spects,wiped his face and continued with a faint tinge of grief in his words, “ I wanted to meet her. She told me that time was not ripe and then again,as I forced she even told me that she was not so good looking, as some would even try to run away seeing her!
But I took it on with another question, “but not all will try to run away from you,right?”.
“Right , some do come really close,making me feel that I am indeed not so bad.” She had to admit. That increased my persistence on her and finally we decided to meet at the railway station,that evening.”
I gave a hand to my chin and leaned forward to him. The story was getting interesting, “And then?” I enquired, forgetting that we had started off the talk from a SMS.
“Then we met at the station. Trust me, at that time I felt that she was the most beautiful thing that would ever come to me. With a black veil on her head, a snow whit face and deep dark eyes,she seemed to be there just for my solace. We sat on the bench as the announcements broke open for the expected arrival of a train. Not many were around us and neither did we care for any.
I took her hand and held it to my heart to say, “The grief in my heart and the problems around me seem to vanish in your presence; I feel the ecstasy of being in a new world full of promises.”
“Do you love me?”,she asked and in return I came closer to her, lifted her face and bent down to kiss her deep with all my passion. I do say that it was to be more of my lust towards her physique than the love to her real self that prompted me to take those first steps into a complete union with her. .
Then my phone rang me up for this message and I left her for that moment. The train had arrived and passengers were busy getting down. I winked at her and told, “I’ll be back now” and stood up and took a few steps as I read the message which came as a scruple.
“Care is the sweetest form of LOVE and whn someone tells “I care for U”,it is as good as saying “I’ll keep U in my heart, forever” I CARE FOR U! Tc”
That brought in a new light to make me think above the problems that surrounded me and the ones who hated me, to see the ones who loved me, cared for me and would miss me. I felt sorry for my eloping thoughts as I thought of the ‘black rose’ waiting for me. But I didn’t turn back to her nor will I get back to her as I had promised, until as she said, “the time is ripe!” And I’ll never spill a tear on that lost chance with her.” He stopped.
This story was giving me enough to strain my brain and sense. A whole new world of thoughts; it was difficult to understand him,but I was trying to break through. My station was approaching. I walked to the door and he followed me with a question, “Now what do you think of that SMS? Any idea what it means to me?” I just nodded as I thought.
I got down and he helped me with my luggage. He told, “Now don’t get too much carried away by it, may be you wont understand full of my story as it is,for now and nor you wont be knowing why I am going to meet that message sender now…But slowly, you will get to it!”
It was my turn to give him something,a surprise,as I told, “Don’t ever think of kissing that ugly black rose again and I hope you’ll neither go and kiss that girl who messaged you, for she may not know all that you mean by your kiss!”
He was quite surprised but happy and he laughed to say adieu to me as the train moved on. I waved at him till I could no longer see his waving hands.
Just as I turned a message came to my phone. With a smile I thought,
“Now I know of yet another meaning to an SMS; But do you?!!”
*Ivan Vasilievich is a character from Tolstoy's After the Dance
Friday, October 26, 2007
Dream
It was a misty morning and the thick cover of fog had smoothened down all the warm rays of a rising sun. The re roses in my garden were showing me their own lovely charm as someone opened the gates and walked in. I tried to peep through the curtains of snow that stood between me and the gate, to make out my guest.
At a distance I felt that some one with a white blanket on, was walking in. was there a red rose held out in the hand?, or was it just an art work on the blanket? As ii got closer I made it out as a girl, clad in white dress and the redness of the rose had turned out to be her lips. Anxiety made me take a few steps to reach just in front of her. As I searched my memory, she asked, “You forgot me?, so fast!!”, with an element of complaint in her voice.
This… this… Suddenly it came to me. How did I take so long to make her out? At a time this face was the apple of my eyes. Then I wanted her, so desperately, to pay me a visit. And then, this was the face I looked for in every face I saw! Now she’s here; looking at me, at a breaths distance!
But I was afraid! Afraid to look back, for the fear of losing all that I have won over my lost memories.. So I just kept my eyes on to the roses as if I got something lost in them….
“You didn’t like me here?” she asked. I had no answer. She sighed at my silence and continued, “Even if it is so and even if I wish to go back from here, I can’t do that... I hope you know why……”
Why? Because… cos this was my world; my dream world! A face that I had removed from my mind with the greatest of efforts had caught me up again, in my own dream! But her presence still had that magical sheen, making me a happier soul. Deep inside, in some corner of my mind she had survived all my efforts to throw her out; somewhere, from where I couldn’t or didn’t remove her! That thought brought a smile on to me and I looked at her radiant face genuinely praying, "If ever, this was not a dream….”
But it was not to be real anyway. That thought brought me back to face the reality. This dream is sweet now, but on waking into the other world, this is a pain: a throbbing pain that will make all those wounds I had nursed and time had healed to bleed open yet again to hurt me deeper. I became aware of the facts and searched for a soft but firm voice. But my older self invaded into my words with a shiver of compassion as I uttered, “You must go, and never ever come again!”
The innocence in those wide eyes was drenched with tears and she stooped as if to hide them a bit and then looked at me. The look on her face was pathetic and made my heart let out a weep. It was the most beautiful face I ever saw, it was the shine in those eyes that had led me through the darkness’s that surrounded me. Now all that full of visible grief, due to me…. Oh!
But once I wake… The one whom I feel the salt of the earth for me now, may then prove to be just the opposite to the extreme. I couldn’t let that happen, not even in the wildest of my dreams. As I thought and kept looking into her lustrous eyes, I feared of losing myself. I had to tell her off, some how...
“Get away from me!” I yelled and shoved her away in frenzy. That careless shoving pushed her down to the sand. I got a bit more tensed and took a step back to watch her better.
Slowly she stood up, with a cut on her fore head, bleeding. She turned on her full bloomed eyes on to me and smiled; a smile coloured with blood and fragranced with tears! Feeling the pain of my heart breaking like a coloured glass under a roller, I turned back and walked away with tears in eyes and legs at a faster pace….
Eyes and cheeks were all feeling wet and that made me wake into this world. Did I cry out in the end of that dream, without even my knowledge? I slowly got up and switched on the lamp. My head was feeling a bit heavy. I thought the dizziness was a hang over of the dream. Then I thought of mirror, for always I think of looking into a mirror in my dreams, butt has never done so… With a yawn I walked up to the mirror.
One glance of me in the mirror, I was shocked! There was a bleeding cut on my temple and that has coloured me up to my cheeks. On looking back to the bed, I found my alarm clock, broken. It made sense to me on how I could have shoved it down from the shelf just above the bed. Blood had painted a few red roses on my white pillow to remind me of those red lips and their owner; though I didn’t like to remember and had forgotten all of it….
At a distance I felt that some one with a white blanket on, was walking in. was there a red rose held out in the hand?, or was it just an art work on the blanket? As ii got closer I made it out as a girl, clad in white dress and the redness of the rose had turned out to be her lips. Anxiety made me take a few steps to reach just in front of her. As I searched my memory, she asked, “You forgot me?, so fast!!”, with an element of complaint in her voice.
This… this… Suddenly it came to me. How did I take so long to make her out? At a time this face was the apple of my eyes. Then I wanted her, so desperately, to pay me a visit. And then, this was the face I looked for in every face I saw! Now she’s here; looking at me, at a breaths distance!
But I was afraid! Afraid to look back, for the fear of losing all that I have won over my lost memories.. So I just kept my eyes on to the roses as if I got something lost in them….
“You didn’t like me here?” she asked. I had no answer. She sighed at my silence and continued, “Even if it is so and even if I wish to go back from here, I can’t do that... I hope you know why……”
Why? Because… cos this was my world; my dream world! A face that I had removed from my mind with the greatest of efforts had caught me up again, in my own dream! But her presence still had that magical sheen, making me a happier soul. Deep inside, in some corner of my mind she had survived all my efforts to throw her out; somewhere, from where I couldn’t or didn’t remove her! That thought brought a smile on to me and I looked at her radiant face genuinely praying, "If ever, this was not a dream….”
But it was not to be real anyway. That thought brought me back to face the reality. This dream is sweet now, but on waking into the other world, this is a pain: a throbbing pain that will make all those wounds I had nursed and time had healed to bleed open yet again to hurt me deeper. I became aware of the facts and searched for a soft but firm voice. But my older self invaded into my words with a shiver of compassion as I uttered, “You must go, and never ever come again!”
The innocence in those wide eyes was drenched with tears and she stooped as if to hide them a bit and then looked at me. The look on her face was pathetic and made my heart let out a weep. It was the most beautiful face I ever saw, it was the shine in those eyes that had led me through the darkness’s that surrounded me. Now all that full of visible grief, due to me…. Oh!
But once I wake… The one whom I feel the salt of the earth for me now, may then prove to be just the opposite to the extreme. I couldn’t let that happen, not even in the wildest of my dreams. As I thought and kept looking into her lustrous eyes, I feared of losing myself. I had to tell her off, some how...
“Get away from me!” I yelled and shoved her away in frenzy. That careless shoving pushed her down to the sand. I got a bit more tensed and took a step back to watch her better.
Slowly she stood up, with a cut on her fore head, bleeding. She turned on her full bloomed eyes on to me and smiled; a smile coloured with blood and fragranced with tears! Feeling the pain of my heart breaking like a coloured glass under a roller, I turned back and walked away with tears in eyes and legs at a faster pace….
Eyes and cheeks were all feeling wet and that made me wake into this world. Did I cry out in the end of that dream, without even my knowledge? I slowly got up and switched on the lamp. My head was feeling a bit heavy. I thought the dizziness was a hang over of the dream. Then I thought of mirror, for always I think of looking into a mirror in my dreams, butt has never done so… With a yawn I walked up to the mirror.
One glance of me in the mirror, I was shocked! There was a bleeding cut on my temple and that has coloured me up to my cheeks. On looking back to the bed, I found my alarm clock, broken. It made sense to me on how I could have shoved it down from the shelf just above the bed. Blood had painted a few red roses on my white pillow to remind me of those red lips and their owner; though I didn’t like to remember and had forgotten all of it….
Friday, October 5, 2007
Towards Perfection
One afternoon, as I was lazily going t h r o u g h t h e newspapers, I saw the postman coming to me. He had a parcel for me. I signed and tookit.
It was from my old time friend, Shiva. It was so long since I heard anything about Shivnarayan; that was his full name. I gazed at the parcel in front of me and tried to guess what could be inside, must be something perfect...
Shiva was a man who sought perfection, or say he was always keen on the compromised parts that made things and persons less than ‘perfect’. He was immensely talented in finding errors
with almost anything and everything that he came across! He always tried to do things in a perfect way, and expected others to follow him by being perfect. He expected everything that came to him, to be perfect; because of this only I used to put a deliberate distance between us, for I knew that I could match everything but the ‘perfect’ search of Shiva. Still we remained friends, though not the very best.
I still remember how I first met him. We all were in first year. To escape hostelragging, all of us were put in a separate hostel, far from our senior batch hostels.All of us were new to each other and the place. Slowly everyone was getting closer, and was making friends, first the room-mate, then neighbours and so on.....
One day some of us were watching TV. It was an English movie; Shiva was sitting near me. As the movie started, he also started, talking of the ‘stupid things’ shown on movie and how far they were from truth, errors in screenplay and so on. I felt annoyed by his talk, but then ignored his talks, as everyone was doing. He was continuing despite our lack of attention.
I was glued on to the movie, but at some point he got me distracted. He was telling,
“see this is what they show in English movies. Think about the same things done in our movies, we’ll tell its all impossible; those flying fights, risky gun shots all are simply impossible. But now it is done by them, we clap for it! How stupid....”
I thought of all such stuff in our movies and then I knew he was pointing to the truth. Now I wondered if all his talks were really worth being heard. I had never listened to them before. I told him,
“ya, you are right! We won’t acept it here”.
He paused his talk on movies and turned to me, “see this is it, we all take time to admit truth. We never try to admit them outright....”.
Now it was my fault that I shared his thought a bit late, though I felt irritated I didn’t answer him. I went back to the movie and ignored his talk as before.
However, after that incident Shiva thought I too had some ‘sense’ and he could share his thoughts with me too. I think there were a handful of other guys in that list of people with ‘sense’, including my then room-mate Amith. So he used to come to our room once in a while. In college we all could hardly talk as seniors were all around us, waiting for a chance and we were getting the taste of what ragging was all about. Slowly the ‘ragging fear’ ended but by then it was the turn of the lecture classes to kill all our spare time at college.
One day, as I was sitting in my room Shiva came inside in a pensive mood. Without telling anything he laid on my bed, buried his face into my pillow and began to weep. Amith, my room-mate and I slowly walked to him and asked, what the problem was. He had no answer but increased his weeping. On insisting he told us what happened. In short: he had revealed his love to a girl of our batch, which she plainly turned down!. Amith tried to console him,
“Shiva, it is ok. You leave it now. There is always, there must be some one for everyone....”.
He raised his face, wiped away the tears and replied, “No, I am not sad for the reason you think. I feel sorry for myself; for thinking her a ‘perfect girl’, at least for a while. If she can’t see my heart full of care, she is not perfect; she can’t be!”
As we continued to tell him to forget all these stuff, he told in a firm voice,
“I’ll show her who I am. I’ll search out a perfect girl and walk in front of her along with that girl. Then she’ll come to know what she had missed!”
“Man, that’s fighting spirit, come on!” Amith cheered Shiva as he walked out of our room.
“Bit different one, right?” As I asked Amith replied, “No, just showing that he’s not hurt, that’s all.”
Hardly a week after that, as we were standing on the corridor, we saw Shiva walking across with a bunch of roses.
He was smiling. He told us, “I found her! See these all are from her!” He waved the roses and a card at us as he went.
I looked at Amith and he told, “ya, definitely a different one, you are right.
I change my opinion!”
But that change of opinion was not to be the final one. The very next day evening Shiva came to talk with us.
This time he looked upset and told us outright, “She’s also not that good!”
Who else?, his new girl friend!
As we were about to ask he told, “she’s leaving all those love from her family and parents just for mine. That’s not right. She’s hurting many. So she’s not really that good at heart!”
“So?” I asked. “So what?” I told her that I’m leaving her. See I’ve been fooled twice by these girls. There seem to be no perfect girl.” He stopped and looked at us for a moment.
I hoped, he was going to ask, “How’s my joke?”
But no, he was serious. He sighed and left our room.
Amith and I looked at each other in disbelief. Now Amith corrected his change in opinion
“He’s different. Not a bit, but entirely different!”
Though we downplayed the incident and kept it away from most of our batch mates, all were slowly making out his differences. As he walked into our rooms we all pretended to be too busy for him. Though, at times we felt it was wrong, we didn’t have a better solution to keep away from all these troubles. Still he used to talk to all of us and we tried to stop those talks before he started showing us the ‘problems’, or ways to become perfect. All those who tried to talk and change his attitude fell out from his list of people with ‘sense’; but still was kept in list of friends. Soon Amith and I had lost our places in the list of people with ‘sense’. He hardly came to us after that.
One day we heard that Shiva had decided to leave the course. He was packing his things and then he told us in a tone of advice, “see this course is not a complete one. We learn only here and there. It is very hard to adjust with this. I’ll think and join a good course later on.”
We didn’t tell anything as we knew that he won’t listen to us. He used to keep contact with us after that also. But later as all our numbers changed many times and as we hardly informed him about it our contact was lost except for his greeting cards that came to a few of us, including me and Amith, once in a while. I never replied him as by then I had lost his address.
Now this is a parcel. I untied it and saw what was inside. Inside was a shell. We used to buy shells for our friends, from the beaches, back in college days. I took out the shell, my name was engraved on it. Now I knew that Shiva had been to our old places, where we all friends roamed a thousand times. He used to tell then, “The protection given to the organism by nature, its shell, is the cause of its kill at the hands of humans, strange!” We used to murmur,
“but not stranger than you!”
There was a letter also, inside the parcel. It read,
“Dear friend,
I know you’ll be amazed to hear from me.
Now I am at the tip of our country, where we all once spent great times together. Of late I have come across something strange, the world out here is not perfect. But still stranger, thing is that I find that even I lack perfection. I have always renounced things which were not exactly the very best. Now that I have found myself not exactly the way I expected me to be, I find no point in being myself.
The world out here is imperfect but somewhere it must be perfect....
Beyond the sky above or beneath the ocean that lies in front of me, the world must be perfect.... There I must also be perfect. I will be! I go in search of it, towards perfection....
Wish me luck.
With love,
Shiva”
I was shocked! I didn’t know what to do. Then I began searching all those obituary columns of newspapers. I searched in vain. No news of such a man was anywhere in the papers. I went and phoned Amith. He told that he too had got a similar parcel, like many others. He had checked out with police. Shiva is recorded as only a man missing case, so far. He again told me,
“see if it was done by Shiva, then it’ll remain a perfect ‘man missing’, for ever.” I cut the phone and stared at those words,
“towards perfection......”.
It was from my old time friend, Shiva. It was so long since I heard anything about Shivnarayan; that was his full name. I gazed at the parcel in front of me and tried to guess what could be inside, must be something perfect...
Shiva was a man who sought perfection, or say he was always keen on the compromised parts that made things and persons less than ‘perfect’. He was immensely talented in finding errors
with almost anything and everything that he came across! He always tried to do things in a perfect way, and expected others to follow him by being perfect. He expected everything that came to him, to be perfect; because of this only I used to put a deliberate distance between us, for I knew that I could match everything but the ‘perfect’ search of Shiva. Still we remained friends, though not the very best.
I still remember how I first met him. We all were in first year. To escape hostelragging, all of us were put in a separate hostel, far from our senior batch hostels.All of us were new to each other and the place. Slowly everyone was getting closer, and was making friends, first the room-mate, then neighbours and so on.....
One day some of us were watching TV. It was an English movie; Shiva was sitting near me. As the movie started, he also started, talking of the ‘stupid things’ shown on movie and how far they were from truth, errors in screenplay and so on. I felt annoyed by his talk, but then ignored his talks, as everyone was doing. He was continuing despite our lack of attention.
I was glued on to the movie, but at some point he got me distracted. He was telling,
“see this is what they show in English movies. Think about the same things done in our movies, we’ll tell its all impossible; those flying fights, risky gun shots all are simply impossible. But now it is done by them, we clap for it! How stupid....”
I thought of all such stuff in our movies and then I knew he was pointing to the truth. Now I wondered if all his talks were really worth being heard. I had never listened to them before. I told him,
“ya, you are right! We won’t acept it here”.
He paused his talk on movies and turned to me, “see this is it, we all take time to admit truth. We never try to admit them outright....”.
Now it was my fault that I shared his thought a bit late, though I felt irritated I didn’t answer him. I went back to the movie and ignored his talk as before.
However, after that incident Shiva thought I too had some ‘sense’ and he could share his thoughts with me too. I think there were a handful of other guys in that list of people with ‘sense’, including my then room-mate Amith. So he used to come to our room once in a while. In college we all could hardly talk as seniors were all around us, waiting for a chance and we were getting the taste of what ragging was all about. Slowly the ‘ragging fear’ ended but by then it was the turn of the lecture classes to kill all our spare time at college.
One day, as I was sitting in my room Shiva came inside in a pensive mood. Without telling anything he laid on my bed, buried his face into my pillow and began to weep. Amith, my room-mate and I slowly walked to him and asked, what the problem was. He had no answer but increased his weeping. On insisting he told us what happened. In short: he had revealed his love to a girl of our batch, which she plainly turned down!. Amith tried to console him,
“Shiva, it is ok. You leave it now. There is always, there must be some one for everyone....”.
He raised his face, wiped away the tears and replied, “No, I am not sad for the reason you think. I feel sorry for myself; for thinking her a ‘perfect girl’, at least for a while. If she can’t see my heart full of care, she is not perfect; she can’t be!”
As we continued to tell him to forget all these stuff, he told in a firm voice,
“I’ll show her who I am. I’ll search out a perfect girl and walk in front of her along with that girl. Then she’ll come to know what she had missed!”
“Man, that’s fighting spirit, come on!” Amith cheered Shiva as he walked out of our room.
“Bit different one, right?” As I asked Amith replied, “No, just showing that he’s not hurt, that’s all.”
Hardly a week after that, as we were standing on the corridor, we saw Shiva walking across with a bunch of roses.
He was smiling. He told us, “I found her! See these all are from her!” He waved the roses and a card at us as he went.
I looked at Amith and he told, “ya, definitely a different one, you are right.
I change my opinion!”
But that change of opinion was not to be the final one. The very next day evening Shiva came to talk with us.
This time he looked upset and told us outright, “She’s also not that good!”
Who else?, his new girl friend!
As we were about to ask he told, “she’s leaving all those love from her family and parents just for mine. That’s not right. She’s hurting many. So she’s not really that good at heart!”
“So?” I asked. “So what?” I told her that I’m leaving her. See I’ve been fooled twice by these girls. There seem to be no perfect girl.” He stopped and looked at us for a moment.
I hoped, he was going to ask, “How’s my joke?”
But no, he was serious. He sighed and left our room.
Amith and I looked at each other in disbelief. Now Amith corrected his change in opinion
“He’s different. Not a bit, but entirely different!”
Though we downplayed the incident and kept it away from most of our batch mates, all were slowly making out his differences. As he walked into our rooms we all pretended to be too busy for him. Though, at times we felt it was wrong, we didn’t have a better solution to keep away from all these troubles. Still he used to talk to all of us and we tried to stop those talks before he started showing us the ‘problems’, or ways to become perfect. All those who tried to talk and change his attitude fell out from his list of people with ‘sense’; but still was kept in list of friends. Soon Amith and I had lost our places in the list of people with ‘sense’. He hardly came to us after that.
One day we heard that Shiva had decided to leave the course. He was packing his things and then he told us in a tone of advice, “see this course is not a complete one. We learn only here and there. It is very hard to adjust with this. I’ll think and join a good course later on.”
We didn’t tell anything as we knew that he won’t listen to us. He used to keep contact with us after that also. But later as all our numbers changed many times and as we hardly informed him about it our contact was lost except for his greeting cards that came to a few of us, including me and Amith, once in a while. I never replied him as by then I had lost his address.
Now this is a parcel. I untied it and saw what was inside. Inside was a shell. We used to buy shells for our friends, from the beaches, back in college days. I took out the shell, my name was engraved on it. Now I knew that Shiva had been to our old places, where we all friends roamed a thousand times. He used to tell then, “The protection given to the organism by nature, its shell, is the cause of its kill at the hands of humans, strange!” We used to murmur,
“but not stranger than you!”
There was a letter also, inside the parcel. It read,
“Dear friend,
I know you’ll be amazed to hear from me.
Now I am at the tip of our country, where we all once spent great times together. Of late I have come across something strange, the world out here is not perfect. But still stranger, thing is that I find that even I lack perfection. I have always renounced things which were not exactly the very best. Now that I have found myself not exactly the way I expected me to be, I find no point in being myself.
The world out here is imperfect but somewhere it must be perfect....
Beyond the sky above or beneath the ocean that lies in front of me, the world must be perfect.... There I must also be perfect. I will be! I go in search of it, towards perfection....
Wish me luck.
With love,
Shiva”
I was shocked! I didn’t know what to do. Then I began searching all those obituary columns of newspapers. I searched in vain. No news of such a man was anywhere in the papers. I went and phoned Amith. He told that he too had got a similar parcel, like many others. He had checked out with police. Shiva is recorded as only a man missing case, so far. He again told me,
“see if it was done by Shiva, then it’ll remain a perfect ‘man missing’, for ever.” I cut the phone and stared at those words,
“towards perfection......”.
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